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Wednesday, March 9, 2016

My Story...

I thought I had always known my story. I thought I had it down. But, it is amazing the things, the dark things that are hidden so deep that it is out of your consciousness. Things you have known about, but always blew it off… thinking “It was’t that bad.” or “Other people have had it so much worse.”

About 6 months ago I was being flooded with feelings and emotions that I could not figure out. I was filled with anger, sadness, and confusion. I started seeing a counselor at our church hoping for quick answers. I had no idea what to expect from her or what she would do to me or what she would make me do. But, I guess much to my surprise it was what God was going to do.

Let me go back to what I thought my childhood was like… I always thought I had a good childhood. Yes, there was hurt in it and things I knew had happened to me like I was sexually abused, physically abused, and emotionally abused, but I never ever thought it was any different from anyone else’s childhood. Maybe not everyone was abused, but I thought that my childhood was ordinary. I didn’t know any different.

But, God has revealed something totally different. My childhood was not ordinary and it was not good. Sure I had happy moments, but I was not enjoyed for the desire God had for me. I was enjoyed for what I could offer other people.

From the very beginning of life my life would not be normal… my life would be broken. My parents, who made me together were no longer together and soon they would be divorced. Because of those decisions that would bring devastation and brokenness immediately… hurt would end up grappling for something to sooth the pain and bring “pleasure”. This would lead to my mother’s second marriage. It was a quick courtship which quickly led to marriage. But when I heard this story growing up I never thought about or realized “What about the baby? Baby Sterling?”. I guess maybe you don’t think about these kind of things until after you have children.

So now here is my new family… a rushed put together family, but my family. But this family is not what anyone would imagine. This man my mother married was mean. He abused my mom, but most of all he abused me. He was allowed the opportunity to verbally, physically, and sexually abuse me and the absolutely worst part of it all… No one protected me! No one protected the sweet innocent baby. Everybody loved me, knew of some of the pain, or maybe knew most of the pain… No one did a DAMN thing for this precious life!

The abuse went on for a couple of years until finally by the grace of God the second husband moved on. But, the sad thing is he moved on to another family.

I really don’t have much memory of anything. Even after the second husband my memory is not good. But, after the second husband it wasn’t peachy and happy. I still suffered from abuse and neglect. I was never enjoyed for who I was, and through out my childhood and adult life I was only enjoyed for what I could offer other people.

I never realized the deep wounds that abuse causes a human life until I was led by my Heavenly Father to allow Him to go deep, dig, reveal, and heal. I have never experienced this deep sense betrayal I have come to encounter from the lack of care and protection from people who always have said they love me. I have never seen myself as a victim/captive, but I have come to learn I am. I have always been strong, a tough girl… never looked deep into how powerless I was as a child and even as an adult as I deal with people day in and day out. Learning about ambivalence… never even knew this word existed… and all these struggles a have gone through my entire life suffering from enjoying something that I knew was wrong or being hurt by someone who I cared for and would continue to care for even though they made you feel horrible.

Because I have always been strong and tough I wouldn’t ever say I was shameful of anything, but that was a lie too. I was asked to pray and ask the Lord where this lie started… Where was it that satan found the moment in my life to really dig his evil and hurt into my soul. My God is faithful and without fail He was there to reveal the wound that started it all. 

The wound of being left alone, having to care for myself, nothing I did was ever right, nothing I said was worth listening to, and I wasn’t smart enough to do certain things. So satan used this hurt and pounded it in deeper and deeper everytime and rooted this lie that I was worthless. Nothing I have or ever will be will be worth anything to anyone.

I feel like my whole life has been a lie and that can drown me with shame if I forget about the One, who has never left me or has never ever stopped loving me… no matter how far I might have run.

About 4 to 5 months ago when this hit me the hardest I was mad at God… mad that He allowed and allows such hurt and pain to happen to innocent children. I still wonder why, but I have come to know He is God and it is not Him who causes the pain, but what sin has over people. We have a God that does not want our hearts to be controlled like puppets… He is a God who wants us to love and desire Him as much as He loves and desires us. A God, who wants only good and wonderful things for us. A God, who has a purpose and plan for each of us. A God, who knitted us together for such greatness and calls us His children. A God, who looks past the evil and hurt that we have caused if we would simply give Him the opportunity to forgive us.

I don’t have this all figured out and I am not completely healed and I won’t be on this side of heaven, but I do know I am completely loved. Not loved by human love, because that can be wishy-washy… But loved by an everlasting, never stopping, never ending Love that I will never be able to put into words.

My heart hurts, but that is why Jesus was sent to this earth and to die a criminals death… to take all our pain, all the poison of sin and mend it and make us healthy. I trust and believe that with everything in me. If you suffer from sexual abuse or any kind of abuse God does not want you to suffer. He wants to love you and protect you. He wants FREEDOM for you. You can trust Him I promise. 

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