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Tuesday, October 4, 2016

Day 1 and 2 on the Ground in Pindobal

I have issues... Day 1 I had major pride issues. I knew this could be and issue from the beginning. After the first Amazon meeting it didn't take long for satan to say to me "Remember you don't have anything important to offer to these people.  You have no medical skills to help with their aliments. What are you going to do? You are not going to bring glory to God! It won't matter if you teach these kids, because it won't affect the Kingdom." This has been twirling off and on in my mind. I am going to be honest the first day I had a bad attitude, because I didn't feel appreciated, like I (we) were doing the "important" work, and  we were getting overlooked because we weren't bringing physical relief or praying with people to receive Christ. This is how I felt after lunch. I had a really bad attitude... A bad taste in my mouth. All day my bad attitude lingered. I know this was horrible... Please don't judge me, but God met me right at my bad attitude. He met me in my pride and pouty attitude. He didn't leave me, because I was acting undesirable. I felt His compassion and repented. Ever since that moment He released me from shame that likes to rear its ugly head every now and again. Shame that I am not smart and will never have anything to offer. But my Heavenly Father lifted my head and put my crown back on me. He reminded me I am His daughter and I have great things to offer His world. My attitude completely changed the evening of Day 1 and moved on to Day 2. We told Bible Stories, made crafts, and played soooo many games with the kids. It was fun and I hope they remember our time with them forever, because I know I will.

The evening of Day 2 was amazing! There were 14 women who proclaimed that Jesus was their Lord and Savior. 14 women took the plunge and are on fire for our risen Savior! Two of those girls were 12 years old. These two 12 year old girls were in our classes, playing games with us, and in and out of Omar's Bible classes. I am blessed and honored to have been part of such a HUGE kingdom moment.

Friday, September 2, 2016

Time and Big Big Things

I am writing this, because I finally have time! Actually I really don't have the time... I should be working. I should be folding clothes that people purchased and packing them up to ship. But, I'm not. LOL! I am going to fill you in on some stuff that has changed in the Greene family.

First, this past year (1 year this month) has been HARD!! Gut wrenching, in the wilderness, drowning in tears HARD! I have been to the depth of not knowing what to do, how to respond, and some days how to even do life... I was in the deep wilderness... Like the Israelites being taken out of the "comfortable" Egypt to the hot deserty baking sand wilderness. It has been a YEAR of this! I was so tired and so weary of the pain... I was so over it! But, God never once left me (and I type this with tears)... He never once gave up on me... He never once dropped me. Because of his tenderness and his constant presence... He has guided my heart to forgiveness. A forgiveness I can't even put into words... A forgiveness I cannot do on my own, but wait for him to lead me and guide me. Because if I go on my own with his forgiveness it will not be perfect it will turn into a human mess! I am praising God through his undying love for me.

Second, in December Bob and I began a new journey. We joined a company called LuLaRoe. This is a company, who designs and makes the most amazing comfortable and modest clothes I have ever put on my body. I wasn't really sure why we joined this company at the time except maybe to help my family out financially, but I have come to realize it is more than that. I have made awesome friends through this adventure and I have found a part of me that has been hidden for a long time. Even though I have been super busy with my new business... Bob and I have had quality time together as we do this together and learning together and growing together. It has been a whirlwind, but so much fun!

Third, God is calling Bob and I on an adventure of a lifetime at the end of this month. We will be joining Kingsland on a Mission Trip to Brazil to travel down the Amazon River to visit with the Munduruku people throughout the forrest. We will travel down the Amazon River in a house boat (as our head quarters) to meet the different tribes. We will disciple the believers, provide medical care to the people (we do have a team of doctors and dentists going), and also pouring into the the kids in these different tribal villages. Bob and I are super excited about this adventure God has specifically called us to go on together. We are in awe of his love, protection, and guidance as we have no idea what to expect.

All I can say is I want more of my Heavenly Father. I have come to this deep realization that I can do nothing without Him. This life is hard, bumpy, and so rough. There is so much pain and torment that the darkness of these heavy things can consume us to a place where we can't get out of... unless we turn our entire trust to Him to bring us out. I have tried to do it on my own... it didn't work and if it did it was only temporary. Temporary is not enough... I think each time the temporary wears off it take us to a new low. We have to stop focusing on what I can do and focus on what can God do to make this temporary into a FOREVER a COMPLETENESS. I am absolutely not perfect and still learning, but I do know anything with our Him is incomplete... Dead.

Wednesday, March 9, 2016

My Story...

I thought I had always known my story. I thought I had it down. But, it is amazing the things, the dark things that are hidden so deep that it is out of your consciousness. Things you have known about, but always blew it off… thinking “It was’t that bad.” or “Other people have had it so much worse.”

About 6 months ago I was being flooded with feelings and emotions that I could not figure out. I was filled with anger, sadness, and confusion. I started seeing a counselor at our church hoping for quick answers. I had no idea what to expect from her or what she would do to me or what she would make me do. But, I guess much to my surprise it was what God was going to do.

Let me go back to what I thought my childhood was like… I always thought I had a good childhood. Yes, there was hurt in it and things I knew had happened to me like I was sexually abused, physically abused, and emotionally abused, but I never ever thought it was any different from anyone else’s childhood. Maybe not everyone was abused, but I thought that my childhood was ordinary. I didn’t know any different.

But, God has revealed something totally different. My childhood was not ordinary and it was not good. Sure I had happy moments, but I was not enjoyed for the desire God had for me. I was enjoyed for what I could offer other people.

From the very beginning of life my life would not be normal… my life would be broken. My parents, who made me together were no longer together and soon they would be divorced. Because of those decisions that would bring devastation and brokenness immediately… hurt would end up grappling for something to sooth the pain and bring “pleasure”. This would lead to my mother’s second marriage. It was a quick courtship which quickly led to marriage. But when I heard this story growing up I never thought about or realized “What about the baby? Baby Sterling?”. I guess maybe you don’t think about these kind of things until after you have children.

So now here is my new family… a rushed put together family, but my family. But this family is not what anyone would imagine. This man my mother married was mean. He abused my mom, but most of all he abused me. He was allowed the opportunity to verbally, physically, and sexually abuse me and the absolutely worst part of it all… No one protected me! No one protected the sweet innocent baby. Everybody loved me, knew of some of the pain, or maybe knew most of the pain… No one did a DAMN thing for this precious life!

The abuse went on for a couple of years until finally by the grace of God the second husband moved on. But, the sad thing is he moved on to another family.

I really don’t have much memory of anything. Even after the second husband my memory is not good. But, after the second husband it wasn’t peachy and happy. I still suffered from abuse and neglect. I was never enjoyed for who I was, and through out my childhood and adult life I was only enjoyed for what I could offer other people.

I never realized the deep wounds that abuse causes a human life until I was led by my Heavenly Father to allow Him to go deep, dig, reveal, and heal. I have never experienced this deep sense betrayal I have come to encounter from the lack of care and protection from people who always have said they love me. I have never seen myself as a victim/captive, but I have come to learn I am. I have always been strong, a tough girl… never looked deep into how powerless I was as a child and even as an adult as I deal with people day in and day out. Learning about ambivalence… never even knew this word existed… and all these struggles a have gone through my entire life suffering from enjoying something that I knew was wrong or being hurt by someone who I cared for and would continue to care for even though they made you feel horrible.

Because I have always been strong and tough I wouldn’t ever say I was shameful of anything, but that was a lie too. I was asked to pray and ask the Lord where this lie started… Where was it that satan found the moment in my life to really dig his evil and hurt into my soul. My God is faithful and without fail He was there to reveal the wound that started it all. 

The wound of being left alone, having to care for myself, nothing I did was ever right, nothing I said was worth listening to, and I wasn’t smart enough to do certain things. So satan used this hurt and pounded it in deeper and deeper everytime and rooted this lie that I was worthless. Nothing I have or ever will be will be worth anything to anyone.

I feel like my whole life has been a lie and that can drown me with shame if I forget about the One, who has never left me or has never ever stopped loving me… no matter how far I might have run.

About 4 to 5 months ago when this hit me the hardest I was mad at God… mad that He allowed and allows such hurt and pain to happen to innocent children. I still wonder why, but I have come to know He is God and it is not Him who causes the pain, but what sin has over people. We have a God that does not want our hearts to be controlled like puppets… He is a God who wants us to love and desire Him as much as He loves and desires us. A God, who wants only good and wonderful things for us. A God, who has a purpose and plan for each of us. A God, who knitted us together for such greatness and calls us His children. A God, who looks past the evil and hurt that we have caused if we would simply give Him the opportunity to forgive us.

I don’t have this all figured out and I am not completely healed and I won’t be on this side of heaven, but I do know I am completely loved. Not loved by human love, because that can be wishy-washy… But loved by an everlasting, never stopping, never ending Love that I will never be able to put into words.

My heart hurts, but that is why Jesus was sent to this earth and to die a criminals death… to take all our pain, all the poison of sin and mend it and make us healthy. I trust and believe that with everything in me. If you suffer from sexual abuse or any kind of abuse God does not want you to suffer. He wants to love you and protect you. He wants FREEDOM for you. You can trust Him I promise.