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Thursday, October 9, 2014

The Ugly Darkness Deep Inside

Last Sunday our church Pastor preached on Fear and truthfully I don't deal with a lot of fear (so I thought). Don't get wrong I have little fears such as fear of heights and fear of bugs, not that these aren't real fears, but I am talking about the gripping fear that can stop you in your tracks, the kind of fear that consumes your thoughts in every moment of your day... So I thought I didn't struggle with this kind of fear.... 
Sunday evening our church had a Freedom concert and it was truly a beautiful night to give thanks for the freedom Christ has given me and the bondage that no longer holds me in chains. This was a blessing for me to rejoice over, because just a few weeks ago I was sharing my deepest darkest secrets with hundreds of people, who I didn't even know and who I may never meet again on this side of heaven. (you'd think that would be one of my fears)

Anyways, back on topic... Fear. I didn't think I had deep fear. I thought I was good in that department... Until probably last week it really started making thoughts change... It started consuming my thoughts. My personal deep fear is having another child. I know! Crazy right?!? My fear is having a baby again and being a horrible impatient mother again. Patience with people is not my gift and with the people that I am closest to get to see my ugly impatience come out more frequent. Aren't they luck!?!

When I had babies I had terrible dreams and thoughts of hurting them. This is nothing I am proud of, but something satan could easily target hoping I would destroy lives. Thankfully I allowed Jesus in my heart before we had our second child, because then satan's grip was no longer tight. My first born really got the brunt of my anger, Lord bless her. So having a third child is actually terrifying to me! I have friends in the same stage of life I am in now (with two older kids), but who are pregnant and waiting so eagerly for their third child. I have other friends pregnant as well... And it terrifies me!  

The last couple days have been hard as I am playing the "what if" game in my head and let me just tell you satan is loving that! What if I "drink the water" and I get pregnant?? I don't deserve a third! Having two is already so hard and it's just going to get harder.

But today I read out of Jesus Calling... "In order to hear my voice, you must release all your worries into My care. Entrust to Me everything that concerns you. This clears the way for you to seek My Face unhindered. Let Me free you from fear that is hiding deep inside you. Sit quietly in My Presence, allowing My Light to soak into you and drive out any darkness lodged within you.

Accept each day just as it comes to you, remembering that I am sovereign over your life. Rejoice in this day I have made, trusting that I am abundantly present in it. Instead of referring or resenting the way things are, thank Me in all circumstances. Trust Me and don't be fearful; thank Me and rest in My sovereignty."

I am handing this fear over to Him, because there is nothing I can do in my own power to get rid of this fear. If for some reason I did get pregnant this child would have to be His and only His, because there is nothing I could do without His sovereign hand over our lives. He knows my fear and this fear that has been awakened is something I am not proud of, but sometimes you can't control the things that freak you out... So that's where Jesus has to come in and ask for His perfect peace.

After writing all of this down alot has hit me and maybe why this fear has risen out of its deep dark lair. I really don't want to have a third child and I believe this has been awoken, because of what our mission team did in India. We spoke of the great importance of Life and not to be a destroyer of Life. So here I am not wanting anymore children and there in India some of the women can't keep their children (girls) and forced to abort. What do I even say?!?

I leave you with this sentence...
"Your need for Me is as constant as the outflow of My Love to you." -Jesus Calling

(If there is any confusion about this post... one thing I should set straight is that I am NOT pregnant!)

Friday, October 3, 2014

Where is your home?

Every time I come home from being in a foreign country that is so different from my home I long for things. I long for water I can drink (safely), food I am so use to and crave (this last time hamburgers), water pressure in the shower, and this last time my family. But after being home for a week and a half I have come to realize the one thing I never have to miss... God and His constant presence and unending love. No matter where I go or how hard life gets I NEVER have to miss Him! I can love all these people on earth, but no ones love is as deep, wide, or long as my Heavenly Father's love. He is always there and always patiently waiting on me.

I have really been thinking about His perfect love and how flakey my love can be. Let me take you back... I am devoted to my daily devotional during the week, but when the weekend comes around... It is hard! People are home, they are noisy, and everything about my schedule is thrown off... So devotional time usually doesn't happen. But Sunday I desperately desired my time with my Father. I read about His love... 

"I pray that from his glorious, unlimited resources he will empower you with inner strength through his Spirit. Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him. Your roots will grow down into God’s love and keep you strong. And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is. May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God." Ephesians 3:16-19

You would think after reading this and praying that I would love like this that it would be a great day full of love and compassion. I am sad to say it wasn't. I am ashamed to say that I was a grumpy troll! (I have been putting this post off because I didn't want to admit how awful I was)  :( But I am a real person. People hurt me and I hurt others. I hate the phrases "We live in a fallen world." or "I am sinful by nature." Don't get me wrong... It is so true, but I believe we also use these phrases (and other phrases like them) as a crutch or excuse to cover up why we hurt others. Does that make sense? You will rarely (or never) hear me say that, because truthfully I made that choice. As a Christ follower I know how to act and behave. I made the choice to act like a grumpy troll to my family and in result came to each of them and asked for forgiveness for my nasty attitude. This is not the first time and probably won't be the last, but in the end it was my choice to choose grumpiness over joy.

Maybe everything I am saying is contradicting itself or maybe you are getting me... Who knows? :) But no matter how fallen this world is... As a Christ follower you ultimately make the choice to go down the windy bumpy road or the straight and narrow road. It's all a choice.

I am finally going to post this on the blog. I know it is hard to follow Christ. It is hard to go against the rapids of this world. I know. I am fighting the upstream current as well. The time is getting closer and life is going to get harder... But we as followers of Christ have to cling to him like never before. He is there waiting for you (us). We are not perfect and we do live in a fallen world, but you are chosen and righteous in the name Jesus Christ.

"I prayed to the Lord, and he answered me.
    He freed me from all my fears.Those who look to him for help will be radiant with joy;
    no shadow of shame will darken their faces.In my desperation I prayed, and the Lord listened;
    he saved me from all my troubles.For the angel of the Lord is a guard;
    he surrounds and defends all who fear him." Psalm 34