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Tuesday, March 25, 2014


Lately I have been throwing myself into my quiet dark closet to pray. Away from my phone, noise, and light... while I am face down on the carpet. It is just me and God (and sometimes my annoying cat). When the cat does come into pray with me I thank the Lord for pets. LOL! I will be honest my thoughts get lost in the dark... I get caught up in His majesty and then all of the sudden... I am gone... Into a deep sleep. Yikes!

But, I will say it is a peaceful time. I don't feel disappointed or upset when I do fall asleep, because I know I am with the Lord and he does hear me... even if I drift off.

Today I was given an anointing oil from a friend, who owns Every Good Gift. He gave me the opportunity to share part of my testimony on his blog, so in return he asked me if I would be interested in one of their anointing oils and I said yes! I asked for the oil scented as pomegranate... so before I pray in my closet I will ask the Lord for blessing and favor and I will put it on. I love smelling this sweet fragrance even after I pray because it reminds me of the sweet quiet time the Lord and I had together. 

I find it very refreshing to be with the Lord in quiet darkness, because I never know what time it is... I don't have to be anywhere at a certain time... and nothing interrupts (except the cat)... but such a precious time. If you haven't thrown yourself into your closet lately... I totally suggest it. :)

Sunday, March 23, 2014

Dark Haze

I have been in a dark haze for about 2 or 3 weeks... not knowing what to do, worrying, feeling lost.

Tuesday this darkness was lifted. I was really feeling stuck with this haze surrounding me... I couldn't get out from under it. I asked for prayer and the next day it was much more clear. Satan was clouding my thoughts and giving me a lot of confusion, but in the name of Jesus it was gone.

Now that my thoughts are more clear... I look back thinking how did I even get into that rut? I could not tell you, but I sure am glad I am out of it.

No one could understand what I was going through because I couldn't explain it in words... so it sounded like a bunch of mumbo jumbo. Sorry if some of my blog posts were coming off confusing. :)

I guess it is hard for me right now, because I am thinking about the future. Thinking about what God has for me after this home Bible study I have going on. I am thinking about this mission trip to New Delhi, India I am fundraising for support. I am thinking about my Advocare business and how to go about it in the way the good Lord wants me to pursue it and grow it. So much is running through my head and I want it all to be what and how He wants it... I don't want to do anything on my own without His okay. Does this make sense?

The verse the Lord has been giving me since January is...“So don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today’s trouble is enough for today." Matthew 6:34  

I am working on worrying one day at a time and trusting in His unfailing love. His concern and deep desire for me. I know the things I desire He does care about... but that doesn't mean it will always go my way and I am okay with that. I am working on seeking Him first before I act or before I say yes. Even good things may be bad... it all depends on what He wants from me and what He has planned. I can fight Him all day long and do it MY way... but in the end He will get his results and His glory. I am choosing to seek Him first before anything else.

Spring is Alive

Heidi being rained on by petals.
Crab Apple Tree
Bees were swarming the tree...

It was beautiful to watch the bees do what they do best.

Here is a picture of the whole tree.

Tuesday, March 18, 2014

The Pain in the Clash

Today I had the privilege to meet a mission team from Wichita Falls, TX, who came to serve the Bhutanese that Loaves & Fishes loves on and serves. This is the teams second time to come to Houston and love on the Bhutanese kids and women. It was so awesome to reunite with friends and brothers and sisters in Christ. But as I was happy to see their faces again... my heart was heavy and burdened.

I got to the apartment complex 30 minutes earlier than anyone else, so I decided to walk around and see if any of my friends were out and about... hoping maybe I could visit with them. Instead I ran into kids waiting by the front door of the apartment eagerly waiting to play! There were mostly Bhutanese kids, but there was one African child. She was hanging out with the other girls, but then her and a Bhutanese boy began to clash. He began to call her terrible names and chase her and throw an item at her. Don't worry she wasn't just taking the beating lying down... she was attacking him as well. It really made me think about these kids on a new level... a level I have known about, but I felt sorry for them and I had a deep sadness for their hearts and minds. I didn't say anything to him while he called this girl names, because he knows nothing different. He is raised around such filth and hurt. I am sure there is violence in his home and is just considered the norm.

Once everyone got there I watch and observed. I observed the American children and the Bhutanese children... between the difference of back grounds and cultures they all have hurt or sadness in their lives. We all have sadness, but sadness shouldn't be in a child's life until they are of age... right? It hurts to see young kids hurting in ways so many of us can't even fathom. My heart aches tonight.

I watched more clashing happening between the Bhutanese and African/Hispanic kids. I watched as they had so much hatred between each other and the fists that they wanted to throw. Do I know what it was about? No. But, it hurts to see so much hatred for someone you don't even know. I am sure the only reason they were arguing was because of what is said in their home or maybe what is said by their friends.

It is sad to think that the majority of these kids will think they can't rise above where they are now and think they are worth nothing more than how their lives are now. My heart hurts that this week that this mission team is with them will be wonderful, but the team will have to leave and life will go on as normal and it hurts because these kids need so much more. They deserve so much more.

I am thankful for the hearts of the team members to return to a place with so much joy but so much heart break. I am thankful they pour into these lives even if they will never see the fruit. I am thankful that the hearts that hurt (American or Bhutanese) will have a chance to love and encourage one another.

Monday, March 17, 2014

I Feel Separated

This sums up my struggle perfectly...

"So the trouble is not with the law, for it is spiritual and good. The trouble is with me, for I am all too human, a slave to sin. I don’t really understand myself, for I want to do what is right, but I don’t do it. Instead, I do what I hate. But if I know that what I am doing is wrong, this shows that I agree that the law is good. So I am not the one doing wrong; it is sin living in me that does it.

And I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. I want to do what is right, but I can’t. I want to do what is good, but I don’t. I don’t want to do what is wrong, but I do it anyway. But if I do what I don’t want to do, I am not really the one doing wrong; it is sin living in me that does it.

I have discovered this principle of life—that when I want to do what is right, I inevitably do what is wrong. I love God’s law with all my heart. But there is another power within me that is at war with my mind. This power makes me a slave to the sin that is still within me. Oh, what a miserable person I am! Who will free me from this life that is dominated by sin and death? Thank God! The answer is in Jesus Christ our Lord. So you see how it is: In my mind I really want to obey God’s law, but because of my sinful nature I am a slave to sin." Romans 7:14-25

It is a constant tug-a-war! My heart wants God more and more, but then my sin creeps in. Why?!?

I have my many struggles and my own sin but, I think the phrase we are all sinners is overly used... yes we are all sinners, but I am wrestling with my sin while others think... well I am a sinner might as well keep on sinning. That's when you should question if you are saved or not. I am not judging you if you do think that because I believe there will be a time and place where God will reveal how big He truly is and you will have the choice... to go right to God or left to continue on with the sin.

"Then I said, “It’s all over! I am doomed, for I am a sinful man. I have filthy lips, and I live among a people with filthy lips. Yet I have seen the King, the Lord of Heaven’s Armies.”

Then one of the seraphim flew to me with a burning coal he had taken from the altar with a pair of tongs. He touched my lips with it and said, “See, this coal has touched your lips. Now your guilt is removed, and your sins are forgiven." Isaiah 6:5-7 

I feel like I need a holy coal to my brain, my eyes, my lips, and my heart. They need a cleansing that only the Lord can cleanse. Does anyone else feel like this? My brain has imagined to many thing, my eyes have seen to many things, my lips have said to many hurtful things, and my heart has been hurt to many times. But this has happened...

"Then I will sprinkle clean water on you, and you will be clean. Your filth will be washed away, and you will no longer worship idols. And I will give you a new heart, and I will put a new spirit in you. I will take out your stony, stubborn heart and give you a tender, responsive heart. And I will put my Spirit in you so that you will follow my decrees and be careful to obey my regulations." Ezekiel 36:26

I do know that I have been transformed... no doubt about that. But it is so hard to remove the sin that was so familiar... that generational sin that is etched so deeply.

"Yes, even today when they read Moses’ writings, their hearts are covered with that veil, and they do not understand.
But whenever someone turns to the Lord, the veil is taken away. For the Lord is the Spirit, and wherever the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. So all of us who have had that veil removed can see and reflect the glory of the Lord. And the Lord—who is the Spirit—makes us more and more like him as we are changed into his glorious image." 2 Corinthians 3:15-18

We have so much covering our eyes as people of the 20th century. I have been praying for 5 years that the Lord would break my heart for what breaks his and open my eyes to the things I am blinded to. He has removed my veil and broken my heart in new ways every time He reveals something new. He is faithful... if you just ask.

"And the Holy Spirit helps us in our weakness. For example, we don’t know what God wants us to pray for. But the Holy Spirit prays for us with groanings that cannot be expressed in words." Romans 8:26

Something just does not feel right inside me. I cannot explain it with words... I try and try, but it never expresses it or explains the uneasiness I have. But I am resting in this...

"And the Father who knows all hearts knows what the Spirit is saying, for the Spirit pleads for us believers in harmony with God’s own will. And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them." Romans 8:27-28

I know this blog post is all over the place... because truthfully I feel like I am all over the place.

The title of this post is "I feel Separated". I am not separated from God, but I feel separated from so much going on in my life. A tug-a-war on my heart and what I should do as I am being pulled in 2 separate directions. The two different directions are not one way good and the other bad... it is simply where does God want me? I am being torn between these two ways. A lot of prayer is needed as I seek where He wants me.


Monday, March 10, 2014


I am always amazed at how God so perfectly puts friendships together. I have a lot of friends, but I have a select few I do life with. I am an open book... You ask I will tell... I have nothing to hide or be ashamed of, but there is nothing more wonderful than a friendship shaped around Jesus.

I have not gone out in a while to just hang out with lady friends in a very long time... I really can't tell you the last time because it was so long ago. But tonight I was invited to a friend's house that I don't usually hang out with but I would consider her a close friend because we have the same heart and we are both followers of Jesus. We both have traveled half way around the world together... And we get it.

On my way to her house I was hoping The Lord would be spoken of or about... I was hoping that it was not just superficial talk... I really don't need anymore fake in my life (if you know what I mean).

What a fun night filled with so much laughter! And most of all the Lord's name was spoken. There is nothing better than many hearts coming together to equal one. We all had different views on things but in the end it all turned back to Jesus. 

What a glorious night! My heart has been longing for a Jesus Fun Filled Friend night... I needed the laughs, the encouragement, and the Jesus talk more than I knew.

Friends are priceless! Thank you Jesus for such a special gift!

Tuesday, March 4, 2014

My Flesh and Heart's Desires Wrestling

I am struggling... with everything in me I want to live fully for the Lord! I want every part of my life to be about Him and for Him. I try... I really do... but... then I get caught up by worldly things. The biggest worldly thing I struggle with is money... wanting more... I believe no matter how much money you have you always want more. Money is a curse!

I truly don't want to live in the U.S. I love it, but hate it all at once. I know no matter where I live money is always needed, people are all the same no matter what language they speak... I know I cannot run away from the things I despise... BUT if it was up to me I would move away to a third world country. Life is not easier in a third world country, but needing God and living by faith is so much more desired. Here in the U.S. you can do with or without God (I know its not true but people do it all the time). And being around it makes it all that much more contagious.

I guess you can say I am sickened... I am sickened by the human blindness... I am sickened by greed that has overcome the people of this day... I am sickened by the selfishness and pride we all think we have right to feel and act on... I am sickened to an endless list...

My question to myself is... What can I do?

My prayer to the Lord... What can you do with me? Shake me up! Turn me upside down to be a testimony for you... Use me to reveal who you are and why we need you! I am ready for anything! Lord, Take me, Use me. I do not want to live without you... ONLY for you!

This prayer is what I want. I don't want money... I want more of Him and my Faith to overcome my worldly desires. Everything in me wants this....