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Monday, February 24, 2014

Forgive Me as You Rest in Peace

So I am just going to come out and say it... I am a horrible person, who likes to hurt the ones closest to me.

Why is it that we think it is okay to hurt the people closest to us, who love us so much? 

I would never act, think, feel, or say some of things I do to anyone else except my husband, Bob or my two girls. Why in our minds do we think it is acceptable to behave this way? Oh... Because I was born a sinner and even though I have Jesus in my heart I still have deep sin. Agggghhhh! I am beyond annoyed.

Let me tell you why this whole blog post is coming to life.

Bob's  grandmother passed away Saturday. She had been on the list of "any day now" for about a month. The doctor said she probably wouldn't make it to her 90th birthday, but she did! Grandma was 90 years old and lived a long life. She now is with her beloved husband in heaven. Praise The Lord! 

All of Bob's family lives in Illinois and if you don't know Illinois is very far from Texas. Bob wanted to fly up there to be with his family during this time. Of course all I could think about was the cost of the ticket! Ugh! The tickets prices weren't bad, but the point of it all is we have been working our butts off to pay off our debt and BAM we added a little more to it! In my mind this completely set us back! (Please don't judge me)

I made Bob feel bad about wanting to go and brought up how he was our main provider in our home blah blah blah. I did what I told myself not to do and what I have been trying to get better at not doing... And let me tell ya... I did a great job! He didn't "want" to go and he kept saying I will call my mom and talk with her. Truthfully in my mind I was thinking "It's about time you see it my way!" But I felt horrible too.

I went and took a shower and really prayed and spoke my concerns to God and asked him to control the situation and my heart changed... I went downstairs and I really pushed that he should go. I thought of my grandmother or any other family member I am close to... I would want to be with my family no matter what! I thought about how many wonderful memories Bob most have had with his grandma and how I was ruining that for him. I love Bob more and more each day and he deserves way more love than I give him, but I had a come to Jesus moment.

Bob is leaving tomorrow to be with his family and I am very happy! I am happy he gets to end the wonderful memories with grandma and be there to make new ones. Sometimes that is all you need... Is to just be there.

I am sad the girls and I will not be there to close this chapter, but we will be there with Bob, because Bob takes a piece of us every where he goes.

I started this blog last night while I laid in bed and now I am finishing it laying in bed on the next night. I have been debating if I should even post my terrible feels and sin for all the world to read about. I just want to hide behind my happy mask and not let anyone see into my sinful heart. It hurts to think back on my pride and selfishness... It hurts to relive the feeling I had toward my better half... And what makes it worse is he had no idea how I felt... I was just being nasty.

That's the thing about sin. Yes, Jesus dies for it, I believe he died for me and threw my sin as far as the east is from the west, I believe Jesus is God the Father who came down in flesh, died and rose to life on the third day. He died because I am sinful and he has washed me by his blood... And now I am robed in righteousness. The only reason I remember my sin is because of the evil one. He likes to remind me and rub it in my face. Jesus conquered my sin and nothing can change that.

So I am going to close with Grandma Jennie Greene... I didn't know her very well but we did visit her a couple times in the nursing home. The first time I met Grandma Greene I couldn't believe how together and with it she was. She was involved in all these activities at the nursing home and knitted items to sale in the store. She was always wanting pictures and of course I was really good at sending her pictures when we had one child, but after Heidi she didn't get many. Oops. We all got to talk to Grandma on her birthday last week and she seemed so with it. She told us all how much she loved us and that she was praying for us. What a sweetheart! She really was wonderful and I know she will be terribly missed.

Bob and his aunts and uncle have been going through a box full of pictures today... Lots and lots of pictures. I know they all have been bonding together threw this time. What a joy to hear that Bob is working really hard to put a collage together for the wake and funeral. 

After such a huge fit I was throwing inside my mind yesterday and now I see so much joy and happiness with Bob and his family as they make lasting memories. Like I have said before... The Lord is doing some major readjusting in my heart and breaking me of a sin that has been entangling me for way to long.

Rest in peace, Grandma Greene

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