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Wednesday, December 31, 2014

Where's the Merry?

This holiday season has been hard for me to grasp my merry spirit. I have found joy even when I don't feel like it, but it has been hard! I believe every Christmas gets sweeter as my mind can wrap more and more around the sweet gift God sent down to this earth as a precious baby born in the most humblest places. 

But, a lot of people this Christmas season have not had a humbled spirit... More like a judgmental spirit. I will be the first to tell you I am not perfect and I do have judgemental thoughts, but I am learning to keep my mouth shut (this is very hard! Not always successful) :).

This day in age social media has flooded our lives... If we put anything and everything on social media there will be people who will be like minded like you and share their views on the subject not thinking the harshness of their words. People have forgotten sensitivity... You may be the most giving, sacrificial, open armed person, but without the control of the tongue- the harshest weapon... I believe your efforts are empty, because someone out there (probably a lot of people who you are friends with) don't feel the same on a certain subject. The weak human nature will take control and their thoughts will change who they thought you were.

I don't know about you, but I know not everyone has the same thoughts and views on certain things and no matter how bad I want to grab them by their shoulders and shake the living daylights out of them and change their view on how they are going about things (let's say a Christmas tradition)... I will hold my tongue. Again am I always successful... NO! But He does take those unloving moments of mine and teaches me a little more on what He wants... And repenting I go!

What I am trying to get at is Love Bigger this new year! Think before you start ranting about a certain thing... Just because your family doesn't do a certain thing another family does, doesn't mean it is wrong. Times are going to get harder as the end draws near and we as believers in the same Jesus need to come together and lock arms... Instead of hurting and tearing down each other (maybe without even knowing it). 

Thursday, October 9, 2014

The Ugly Darkness Deep Inside

Last Sunday our church Pastor preached on Fear and truthfully I don't deal with a lot of fear (so I thought). Don't get wrong I have little fears such as fear of heights and fear of bugs, not that these aren't real fears, but I am talking about the gripping fear that can stop you in your tracks, the kind of fear that consumes your thoughts in every moment of your day... So I thought I didn't struggle with this kind of fear.... 
Sunday evening our church had a Freedom concert and it was truly a beautiful night to give thanks for the freedom Christ has given me and the bondage that no longer holds me in chains. This was a blessing for me to rejoice over, because just a few weeks ago I was sharing my deepest darkest secrets with hundreds of people, who I didn't even know and who I may never meet again on this side of heaven. (you'd think that would be one of my fears)

Anyways, back on topic... Fear. I didn't think I had deep fear. I thought I was good in that department... Until probably last week it really started making thoughts change... It started consuming my thoughts. My personal deep fear is having another child. I know! Crazy right?!? My fear is having a baby again and being a horrible impatient mother again. Patience with people is not my gift and with the people that I am closest to get to see my ugly impatience come out more frequent. Aren't they luck!?!

When I had babies I had terrible dreams and thoughts of hurting them. This is nothing I am proud of, but something satan could easily target hoping I would destroy lives. Thankfully I allowed Jesus in my heart before we had our second child, because then satan's grip was no longer tight. My first born really got the brunt of my anger, Lord bless her. So having a third child is actually terrifying to me! I have friends in the same stage of life I am in now (with two older kids), but who are pregnant and waiting so eagerly for their third child. I have other friends pregnant as well... And it terrifies me!  

The last couple days have been hard as I am playing the "what if" game in my head and let me just tell you satan is loving that! What if I "drink the water" and I get pregnant?? I don't deserve a third! Having two is already so hard and it's just going to get harder.

But today I read out of Jesus Calling... "In order to hear my voice, you must release all your worries into My care. Entrust to Me everything that concerns you. This clears the way for you to seek My Face unhindered. Let Me free you from fear that is hiding deep inside you. Sit quietly in My Presence, allowing My Light to soak into you and drive out any darkness lodged within you.

Accept each day just as it comes to you, remembering that I am sovereign over your life. Rejoice in this day I have made, trusting that I am abundantly present in it. Instead of referring or resenting the way things are, thank Me in all circumstances. Trust Me and don't be fearful; thank Me and rest in My sovereignty."

I am handing this fear over to Him, because there is nothing I can do in my own power to get rid of this fear. If for some reason I did get pregnant this child would have to be His and only His, because there is nothing I could do without His sovereign hand over our lives. He knows my fear and this fear that has been awakened is something I am not proud of, but sometimes you can't control the things that freak you out... So that's where Jesus has to come in and ask for His perfect peace.

After writing all of this down alot has hit me and maybe why this fear has risen out of its deep dark lair. I really don't want to have a third child and I believe this has been awoken, because of what our mission team did in India. We spoke of the great importance of Life and not to be a destroyer of Life. So here I am not wanting anymore children and there in India some of the women can't keep their children (girls) and forced to abort. What do I even say?!?

I leave you with this sentence...
"Your need for Me is as constant as the outflow of My Love to you." -Jesus Calling

(If there is any confusion about this post... one thing I should set straight is that I am NOT pregnant!)

Friday, October 3, 2014

Where is your home?

Every time I come home from being in a foreign country that is so different from my home I long for things. I long for water I can drink (safely), food I am so use to and crave (this last time hamburgers), water pressure in the shower, and this last time my family. But after being home for a week and a half I have come to realize the one thing I never have to miss... God and His constant presence and unending love. No matter where I go or how hard life gets I NEVER have to miss Him! I can love all these people on earth, but no ones love is as deep, wide, or long as my Heavenly Father's love. He is always there and always patiently waiting on me.

I have really been thinking about His perfect love and how flakey my love can be. Let me take you back... I am devoted to my daily devotional during the week, but when the weekend comes around... It is hard! People are home, they are noisy, and everything about my schedule is thrown off... So devotional time usually doesn't happen. But Sunday I desperately desired my time with my Father. I read about His love... 

"I pray that from his glorious, unlimited resources he will empower you with inner strength through his Spirit. Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him. Your roots will grow down into God’s love and keep you strong. And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is. May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God." Ephesians 3:16-19

You would think after reading this and praying that I would love like this that it would be a great day full of love and compassion. I am sad to say it wasn't. I am ashamed to say that I was a grumpy troll! (I have been putting this post off because I didn't want to admit how awful I was)  :( But I am a real person. People hurt me and I hurt others. I hate the phrases "We live in a fallen world." or "I am sinful by nature." Don't get me wrong... It is so true, but I believe we also use these phrases (and other phrases like them) as a crutch or excuse to cover up why we hurt others. Does that make sense? You will rarely (or never) hear me say that, because truthfully I made that choice. As a Christ follower I know how to act and behave. I made the choice to act like a grumpy troll to my family and in result came to each of them and asked for forgiveness for my nasty attitude. This is not the first time and probably won't be the last, but in the end it was my choice to choose grumpiness over joy.

Maybe everything I am saying is contradicting itself or maybe you are getting me... Who knows? :) But no matter how fallen this world is... As a Christ follower you ultimately make the choice to go down the windy bumpy road or the straight and narrow road. It's all a choice.

I am finally going to post this on the blog. I know it is hard to follow Christ. It is hard to go against the rapids of this world. I know. I am fighting the upstream current as well. The time is getting closer and life is going to get harder... But we as followers of Christ have to cling to him like never before. He is there waiting for you (us). We are not perfect and we do live in a fallen world, but you are chosen and righteous in the name Jesus Christ.

"I prayed to the Lord, and he answered me.
    He freed me from all my fears.Those who look to him for help will be radiant with joy;
    no shadow of shame will darken their faces.In my desperation I prayed, and the Lord listened;
    he saved me from all my troubles.For the angel of the Lord is a guard;
    he surrounds and defends all who fear him." Psalm 34

Friday, September 26, 2014

Be a Lifter not a Sinker

My heart is aching for so many of my friends, who are hurt. We all get hurt through different situations and we all deal with some kind of hurt if you like it or not. 

I am dealing with hurt right now, because of unresolve. Not knowing what I did to hurt someone and in result not being able to simply say sorry for the hurt I might have caused. But again... It is not always about me and not always on my time.

As women I feel like we tear each other down rather than building each other up. We all deal with so much in our day that if one more thing is added we blow! I think too that a lot of us don't know how to accept constructive criticism... And in result not knowing how to respond we blow! As Christ followers we should be able to go to another sister and share our concerns and not feel threatened. I know it is hard for me to accept constructive criticism and in result my emotions have gotten the better of me and I have gotten hurt and upset with someone. But, I did eventually call that person and I shared my feelings with her and we worked it out. Was it easy? No, but my emotions were getting the better of me and that is not always good. (Never in my case)

We were given emotions for a very important reason... To have compassion for others, loving as we were first loved, anger for things that deserve justice, sadness for things we just can't understand, etc. But what we are not to do is make choices off these emotions... I have plenty of regrets from decisions I have made off of my emotions. Sometimes (most of the time) I need to sit back and really think about this emotion and try to see it from the other persons point of view, always pray, or let time take away the angry fumes (that one is mostly used for Bob). Eventually if you seek our Heavenly Father in these emotions he will guide and teach you for the next time the emotions come up (and they will).

All I guess I really wanted to say is... If your friend needs to talk she may just want you to listen. I think most of the time you can tell when someone just needs to vent and when someone needs encouragement. This life is way to hard to do on your own and sometimes we don't think to go to the Lord first (for many reasons), but he has given us a community of friends and sometimes venting makes us realize we have to get on our knees and give it to Him, because nothing in our power will work to fix it.  

Be a lifter today not a sinker.

"When I cried out from the cross, "It is finished!" the curtain of the temple was torn in two from top to bottom. This opened the way for you to meet Me face-to-Face,  with no need of protocol or priests. I, the King of kings, am your constant Companion." -Jesus Calling

Thursday, September 25, 2014

Letting Facebook Go

Today I deleted the Facebook app off of my phone. This is huge for me, because lately I catch myself checking it every 5 minutes. I know it may sound silly... the Lord has been asking me for a while to get rid of Facebook off of my phone , but I ALWAYS had an excuse! Finally today while reading my devotional out of Jesus Calling...

"It is through trust that you stay connected to Me, aware of My Presence. Every step of your life-journey can be a step of faith... Each of my children is a blend of temperament, giftedness, and life experiences. Something that is a baby step for you may be a giant step for another person, and vice versa. Only I know the difficulty or ease of each segment of your journey."

This really hit me today... To let Facebook go. I like to be connected to people and yes, I am nosy and I want to know all that is going on in people's lives. But, if you are on Facebook... Isn't it that same for you? Wanting to know the details?

I finally took the step that is big for me, but may be small to you. All I want is to be closer to my Savior... All I want is to pour all my energy into trusting Him. I am over worrying about what others think of me, because ultimately He knows me better than I know myself.

"Fearing people is a dangerous trap, but trusting the Lord means safety."

What we all need in this day and age is to feel safe. There is so much crazy stuff going on in our world that is pouring fear into the deepest parts of us and as time goes by it is only going to get worse. We have to give ourselves up so we can get ready and trust in only Him.

I already feel lighter... Letting Him ease my yoke. Having faith in the unseen is hard, but the benefit is great!

Wednesday, September 24, 2014

Finished with a Heavy Heart~ Day 9

As Christians we are called by our Creator to stand for life. Life can range from the pre-born, disabled (physically and mentally), the elderly, etc... Every life matters. Today was our last day of ministry and we ended it encouraging and sharing life with Christian women. Most impoverished countries do not know much about the unborn. They do not know life begins at conception, 6 weeks (or sooner) you can hear a clear viable heart beat, at 12 weeks all the intestines are formed and there for life, at 16-18 weeks the mother begins to feel the baby move and the baby has his/her finger prints, 20-22 weeks is when the sex is usually identified through ultrasound and sleep patterns begin, and 24-26 weeks the baby begins to make facial expressions (frowning, smiling, squinting) and this is the age that if the baby was delivered premature he/she has a high chance of survival with no complications. Just like the day before, we shared everything about the life of the unborn and they all went home with a 12 week old baby model. I pray the babies will go farther than we could ever imagine, that they will remember, and that they will look at that baby and see life. We want them to think of the life inside of them and listen to the voice of the unborn.

It has been a couple of days since I wrote the above message and my heart has become burdened for the women, who are feeling suffocated by the culture and the situation they are forced to live in day in and day out. My heart is burdened by the desire of the women, who want to know more about the unborn, life instead of abortion, and just how to stand up for life even when the family pushes to abort the unborn. There is a deep yearning in their souls to know more. They know there are deep wounds that come from taking life of an unborn child that God specifically gave life to. My heart is burdened for the fight these women have to go through. The fight of how the culture is so use to... It is engrained in them that a girl child is a burden. My heart is burdened, because the mission feels incomplete! I know what we did was
good and the information we gave God will do big things with... Nothing we did will go out empty. I know with everything in me seeds were planted! There was so much information poured out on these precious people... I pray they will be thinking on the hard things for a long while and I pray He will open the minds of the girls and boys to stand up for the upcoming generations, for their children, and their children's children.

I am going to be praying for a very long time for the people we had spent time with... I pray they will always know or learn how precious they are and how their lives are so unique.

From every mission work I have done I am always taught something knew... Sometimes it is hard for me to wrap my mind around and this trip is one of them. I am going home with a heavy heart, but also with the mind set of what I can do at home.

This young boy holding the 12 week baby model. The cared for it as his mother cares for him.

Saturday, September 20, 2014

Sparkles in many forms... Day 8

Today was our first day in Ludhiana, Punjab. This state has a low ratio of girls to boys, 740 girls to every 1000 boys... Not enough girls for every boy and it is truly noticeable! 

We were invited to speak at two government run schools and we spoke on subjects that are not talked about... Purity and Sanctity of Life. We were told to not speak of Jesus, but we knew we had to have faith in Him alone that he would do the work with our words. So I spoke on Purity intertwined with my testimony, but the hard part for me was leaving Jesus out, who was the one full of grace, healing, and my eternity. I could not rely on my words, but the story Jesus has given me to share and then He would do the rest. I reminded myself He does not need me... He can do everything He has planned on His own, but He invites me to join Him as He ministers and changes lives. He allows me to share my story to change lives... He nudges me to share things that hurt and that we try to hide to change lives and bring people closer to Him. We had to cover the topic of STD's, so as a way to get the point across we used glitter to represent STD's. One of us would pour glitter in our hand and then invite a boy to come up and then shake his hand. He then would shake a girls hand, the girl would shake a boys hand, and so on... Then they would be able to see the example of how the STD can spread from person to person and you may not even know it.

Mary also shared at these two schools of the importance of life, how precious it is, and how we as a team stand up for life and against it being destroyed. It was amazing how excited the girls and boys got when she pulled out the baby models at the different stages (12 weeks, 16 weeks, 20 weeks, 24 weeks, and 28 weeks). They were all mesmerized! We passed out 12 week old baby models to every person and they were just so happy to receive such a precious example of life. 

These two schools were in remote areas and the schools did not have A/C, but some ceiling fans. IT WAS SO HOT AND HUMID! And for some reason no one brought enough water and we didn't eat lunch until about 3:00 pm... Let's just say it was an adventure and we were all spent! We had a good break at the hotel before we left to share again to a group of Christian youth. This Christian youth that gathered at this church were so full of life and joy. They were all so fun during the praise and worship time. It was awesome! We were all so sweaty and stinky it was so great!  (Because there was no A/C) We talked about all kinds of teen related subjects... Dating as a Christ followers, purity before marriage, testimony of an impure life before Christ, sanctity of life, and geneocide. It was a full evening! We came back to the hotel beat! But it was oh so good! Praise God! Hallelujah!

Thursday, September 18, 2014

Showing His Love to the Least of These~ Day 6 (Day 1 and Day 2)

Day 1

Disha Foundation partners with an organization that teaches women from low cast, very poor, in or out of the sex trade how to make extra income for their family, so because of their social status they are not treated well or even touched. Today was going to be the end of that...

Today we had the privilege to spend time with 20 young ladies and just love on them and really show them how much they are worth. They performed a couple dances for us that they had worked really hard on and then they showed us samples of their work they are learning in their different courses (hair, bridal preparations, henna application, sewing creations). Then after that we began to reveal their worth and how precious they truly are. This group of young ladies were a little hesitant and it took a while for them to warm up, but that wall was broken through. We played games, read a Princess story to them, they made lotions of their own fragrance, they received a mani and pedi, heard 3 henna Bible stories, and they had the option to have a henna story applied to their skin. All in all it was a wonderful day and we were well received by the majority of the girls. We were simply their to show them love in a way they have not experienced before.

Day 2

So day 2 was exactly like day 1 except there were 50 young ladies! These girls came ready for a good time. I think they knew more what to expect because they heard something from the previous group. It was truly a glorious day loving in such a way that we could not do on our own. All the ladies were so beautiful and ready to receive. They said they did not come with flowers, but they came with their eyes and heart to give. This was a great honor to be given. Truly that is what they gave! 

Both days I had the privilege to apply henna Bible stories on the girls, along with Ruth and Rona. It was such a blessing! But the second day I applied so much henna I couldn't even keep count. Applying henna on someone else is giving a gift in my eyes.

When we said our goodbyes they were given hugs... Women of a low stature are not touch in such a way or giving hugs by family because they do not show affection... But I give hugs using my two arms and I hang on for that uncomfortable amount of time (do you know what I am talking about?). I just really want to show the girls how much I have treasured their time with us, because it was their choice to come... Not anyone else's.

Tuesday, September 16, 2014

Taj Mahal and Casualty Gate ~ Day 4

God is ever so faithful and trustworthy! 

This morning I woke up to a sound of pain. If you don't know I am rooming with Jana (the mom), Rachael, and Ruth... I sat up and saw a light was on (we are separated by a wall, 2 rooms)... I got up, looked at Jana and Ruth, and Jana was in severe pain! She said pray! I got down on my knees and prayed for healing, in his blood that covers us that we believed! The pain did subside. I did not know what to do... She said it was better. She was thinking it was in her intestines. But the pain began again... All I could think of to do was to go get Kay (our group leader)... So I did. To make a long story short there was pain, fear, sadness, and relief. A doctor made a house call and suggested it could be 2 things appendicitis or urinary colic. Praise the Lord it was the urinary colic! We have had many many laughs from that day... Thank you Jesus!

This was the day we were all looking forward to... Taj Mahal day!!! But because of the the intense pain Jana was in she could not go and in result Kay stayed with her. They had quite an adventurous day!

The rest of the team headed to Agra on 4 hour (one way) bus ride. It was the longest bus ride EVER! But we got there, ate a wonderful lunch, and then entered in to the Taj. Beautiful is an understatement... It was breath taking! The pictures do not do it justice at all. The love story is bigger and beautiful than any movie! It's really hard to describe, but I will post the pictures I took.

We headed home on the longest bus ride EVER, but we had an amazing time!

Monday, September 15, 2014

Loving on Girls ~Day 2 and 3

Day 1

We started today off with a powerful prayer as we lifted up the Indian people, their government, and we cried out for the baby girls who have been killed. Our friend is on a powerful mission to seek God for a miracle change in her country. My good friend, Jana brought it to my attention that we do not seek the Lord for such issues in our country or pray for our President as our friend just did. We are lacking faith. We are not putting the issues that hurt us and anger us before the throne to have him take care of, but trusting in our selfish ways. Sometimes I think we think anger is the perfect way to handle a situation. 

We made to the hostel that is supported by the Disha Foundation and we were awe-struck by the site of 94 girls, ranging from the ages of 4 years to 16 years old. The Workshop team began the mission of telling and showing the girls how much they are truly worth, because a lot of these girls have been damaged for life from neglect, abuse, and abandonment. We shared with them how much our Heavenly Father wants them to want him and how much he loves them no matter what they have been through and how much he loves them. Half way through our day the attachments began. We began to learn names and share our families with them and them with us. One little girl, named Priya, I have become very fond of was telling me how excited she was to see her mommy and daddy, who were coming to visit on Sunday. I didn't know what this would look like but I was very excited for her, because I can't imagine my own little girls living without me and the need they have for me that my sweet friend, Priya does not have. It was pretty easy to leave this evening, because we knew we would be returning the next day. 

Overall they were AMAZING girls! They were well behaved, helpful with each other, and very polite. I made a comment wondering if I could send my girls to the hostel. LOL! The girls are all so very bright and their English is probably better than most we have heard here in Delhi so far (no joke)! We came back to the hotel ready for the next day, because we knew how awesome it would be!

Day 2

This is Sunday for us and we went to church with Vinita. Going to a foreign church that does not speak my language is probably my most favorite thing to do. Listening to the songs of praise and adoration to our Heavenly Father in a language so different for my own is breath taking. Of course I did not understand a word the Reverend was saying, but I did know he was encouraging the congregation to live their everyday life as Jesus with skin on. After the service we were invited to eat lunch with Vinita and her family... Which was a complete honor! The food was delicious and not spicy hot at all! (praise the Lord)

After lunch we headed back to the hostel to play with the girls some more. They were eager and excited to see us and the little girls that were becoming attached to us the day before were waiting to sit and hold hands with us. Simply precious! 

Sunday was the day the girls could have visitors, so some parents would come to see there girls. The girls that knew their parents were going to visit were very excited, but I had a deep sadness for the girls that would not have visitors. So it was a special day to be with the girls that were not going to have visitors. My little friend, Priya was so excited to see her mommy, but when her mommy came she ran down to say hi and then immediately came back. LOL! I asked her why she came back so soon and another girl translated for me and told Priya to go back down and that I would be there when she got back. So precious!

It was a great day of sharing Bible stories and having a purity talk with the older girls. It truly was an awesome day! 

The time came when we had to leave and that was hard, but our saving grace was we would return Tuesday. The girls began to get sad and said I will miss you and I would say I will miss you too BUT I will see you Tuesday! Tuesday is going to be hard! As we left girls were hanging out the windows saying "Goodbye Dee!"

Saturday, September 13, 2014

Fun Amongst the People ~Day 1

Today was our first day in Dehli and let me tell you... We were running on low sleeping fumes, but we were so excited to be amongst the people we love.

First, we went to pick up a team member we were so eagerly waiting to see, Kaytiln. She has been in Kolkata doing intern work at an NGO organization and she was reunited with her mother after 3 months!!! Our team is almost complete... Tomorrow our two translators from Kolkata will be joining us and they are so much part of our team!

Today we were out and about doing a little shopping and familiarizing ourselves with such a beautiful city. It is so green here and the smog isn't so bad! It really has been an amazing day... No matter how tired we were! We walked through a small little market before we headed to the radio station.

Our friend, Vinita Shaw, who we are partnering with; invited us to visit the radio station were they talk about things in India that are simply not spoken of. I believe it is easier for people to pretend such horrible things are not happening than to hear and believe the hurt and death that so many go though. Vinita and her team talk about the value of a girl child and encourage people to see the girl child less of a burden but more as a beautiful life. A lot of women in India have a great burden when they have a baby girl, because they instantly think of the dowry they will have to pay when the girl marries or they wonder who is going to take care of them when they get old. This is the way of their society and even though these are their struggles we can not understand... We have our own struggles they probably cannot understand. But we are here to share the worth of every human life and that life begins at conception and no matter what you have done in your past that you are deeply loved by the Father and he is waiting there with open arms. Vinita did say in the past three years there has been a decrease in girl child deaths... Praise the Lord!

Tomorrow we will be at Disha Foundation, just loving on girls and sharing the fruits of the Spirit through workshop that my Soroski sisters have put together. Pray we would love without boundaries and unity would be strong.

Wednesday, September 10, 2014

Is it fear or the Holy Spirit?

This morning I talked to a friend, who asked me this as I was sharing an uncertain rattle in my soul. 

Is it fear or is it the Holy Spirit? 

If you know me... You know I don't fear much. Yes, I have my uncertainties and things I just can't explain, but they are not fear. I have experienced fear before, but no more. I refuse. My hope and faith is in nothing less than in Jesus Christ. Some may say that is me being naive. Nope, just me knowing God is bigger than a feeling of fear that is not from Him.

I leave today for India with 8 other women and for about a week I have had this feeling I cannot explain. Maybe it is excitement, emotions, and me being anxious... I love what we are going to do and I love who I am going to see! I have friends I am going to be reunited with, who I do not see very much, but who know so much about me and I know of them. 

But I have a feeling this feeling is deeper... We are going to talk and share on things that are simply not talked about. We will be bringing the light of the Lord in a place where satan has a nice cozy nest. I can tell you the evil one is not happy about this plan. This is not about us and planning this trip on a whim. But this has been a trip in the planning and making for over a year. He has got big things for His glory!

So now I sit and rest in Him. I seek Him and the adventure he will unfold. We do not go in blindly, but that we go in with fluidity. Nothing about what He has called is about us... But may He gracously use us and let us be part of His marvelous works!

Wednesday, August 6, 2014

Twittling My Thumbs and Waiting

Would you like to know where I am right now?

I am waiting. Waiting to hear from the Lord. I pray and I pray and I pray... and you wanna know what I hear? Wait. And do you want to know what I am learning while I wait? Patience in His perfect peace... knowing that He knows the perfect timing and learning from His word that His ways are not my ways.

But, while I am having to wait... He is loving me deeply and bringing me His overwhelming presence that He has got this... He tells me I am not doing this alone, so I wait.

You might be wondering what I am waiting for... I am waiting for Him to speak to me the words I will share with the kids and women He will bring to us in India.

Don't get me wrong I have an idea, but for some reason I can't get it all together. It all seems so clumpy and not flowy... like a conversation would go. Does that make sense?

We have a very busy next couple of weeks... family vacation to Disney World, back-to-school preparation, and then the girls are back in school. I believe after all this happens things will become more clear to me. I hope any ways...

But for now I wait.

I also am writing this post on waiting, because I know a lot of other people... friends, who are waiting. Waiting for medical answers. Waiting for adoption answers. Waiting on Life. Waiting is not easy or fun, but if we completely share our hearts with Him and hear nothing but wait... then wait, because He has something for you. It may not look like what you have envisioned, but it will be way better His way. I know I know... easier said than done.

Find the beauty in today. Beauty is there through the pain, through the uncertainty, through the unknown...

"The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is upon me,
    for the Lord has anointed me
    to bring good news to the poor.
He has sent me to comfort the brokenhearted
    and to proclaim that captives will be released
    and prisoners will be freed.
He has sent me to tell those who mourn
    that the time of the Lord’s favor has come,
    and with it, the day of God’s anger against their enemies.
To all who mourn in Israel,
    he will give a crown of beauty for ashes,
a joyous blessing instead of mourning,
    festive praise instead of despair.
In their righteousness, they will be like great oaks
    that the Lord has planted for his own glory.

They will rebuild the ancient ruins,
    repairing cities destroyed long ago.
They will revive them,
    though they have been deserted for many generations.
Foreigners will be your servants.
    They will feed your flocks
and plow your fields
    and tend your vineyards.
You will be called priests of the Lord,
    ministers of our God.
You will feed on the treasures of the nations
    and boast in their riches.
Instead of shame and dishonor,
    you will enjoy a double share of honor.
You will possess a double portion of prosperity in your land,
    and everlasting joy will be yours.
“For I, the Lord, love justice.
    I hate robbery and wrongdoing.
I will faithfully reward my people for their suffering
    and make an everlasting covenant with them.
Their descendants will be recognized
    and honored among the nations.
Everyone will realize that they are a people
    the Lord has blessed.”
I am overwhelmed with joy in the Lord my God!
    For he has dressed me with the clothing of salvation
    and draped me in a robe of righteousness.
I am like a bridegroom dressed for his wedding
    or a bride with her jewels.
The Sovereign Lord will show his justice to the nations of the world.
    Everyone will praise him!
His righteousness will be like a garden in early spring,
    with plants springing up everywhere.

Sunday, July 27, 2014

Deeper than We See

The other night we were watching this reality hospital TV show... We never watch TV, so I can't remember the actual name... Anyways. This man fell off his building 3 stories high. Crazy right!? And he survived the fall! This man did not have a lot of money and he lived in "poverty" (poverty as we know it here in the United States). This man locked himself out of his apartment and decided to go to the fire escape and jump to his window... Well obviously it didn't work out as he had envisioned. The EMS came (quickly), transported him to the hospital, and took care of him as if he was in high class. It made me think of people living in poverty in the developing world and when I refer to the developing world I am talking about countries in Africa, South America, India, etc.

The people that live in poverty in the developing world don't get taken care of this way. They aren't rushed off to the hospital, they are not protected by law enforcement... No one would have rushed to the aid of this man in the developing world. 

It is heartbreaking, because I saw the pain this man was in. He was having internal bleeding and right before we changed the channel he was going in for surgery. This man did not have the money to pay for his medical care, but the doctors and nurses had a job to care for this man and it did not matter his race, his religion, or his economic status... They had a job to care for him no matter what he needed. This is not how it is everywhere else in the world.

We need to be thankful everyday for what we do have and not constantly point fingers at the problem. We are fortunate, privileged, and blessed beyond belief in this country. I ask you to look at the positives and maybe look a little deeper into what we have that most other countries plead, pray, and seek for.

My heart is saddened has I think deeper and farther into what the world is really like... I pray for justice. I seek our God and plead for justice for the oppressed. My heart aches for what my eyes have never seen, but I know I am being heard and I know those who are suffering and those who are crying out are being heard as well. I believe more and more that justice is being served and I praise God for this, but as a world so blinded... We need our eyes to be awakened. The blinders we have on need to be removed... The knowledge of the pain and suffering of the poverty stricken need to be spread and shouted. We need to spread the word and be the voice for the afflicted. Awaken and rise!

"He was amazed to see that no one intervened
    to help the oppressed.
So he himself stepped in to save them with his strong arm,
    and his justice sustained him." Isaiah 59:16

“And this is my covenant with them,” says the Lord. “My Spirit will not leave them, and neither will these words I have given you. They will be on your lips and on the lips of your children and your children’s children forever. I, the Lord, have spoken!" Isaiah 59:21

Thursday, July 17, 2014

Finding Compassion in my Fleshly Struggles

Truthfully... Down deep... My way is the best way. Right?! You can tell me all day long the way to do something... But in the end I am the "expert". Haha!

I love people. I love it when people come out from their hiding and let their trueness come out! Does it annoy the heck out of me most of the time... Yes! But I guess we all have to find comfort in people feeling comfortable enough to come out of what they were hiding behind... Right?

The problem I am having lately is loving those who are spilling their troubles all over us and not finding any thanksgiving in the trials. And truthfully that makes it very hard for me to have compassion on you when you see nothing good. There is good all around us even when it is pouring down rain. We have recently had and continue to have a torrential down pour on us, but I see the light, and I am finding the good and happiness in this flood. 

But... Then I realize... Who am I to judge what so and so is going through? I truthfully do not know all the little details... I just see it thrown up all over Social media. Forgive me. I don't know what you are going through or maybe I do know and my flesh is making it very hard for me to be compassionate. 

But God is in control. He knows all of our deep dark secrets that we so desperately try to hide and put a pretty ribbon on to make us look so put together and perfect. But, man oh man am I thankful that He already knows, all I have to do is fess up, and it is no surprise to Him. 

I wrote half of this post in bed last night tired and exhausted, but I let my true feelings come out. I took my bow off and let you see my true feelings. :) Ha! This morning I am feeling refreshed as I know it is a new day. Half of our storm seems to be blowing over and normality is starting to come back.

Another thing I have been thinking about is a friend I ran into last night at a church function. My friend hasn't had the easiest life and things come up in her life and tend to bring her down, but last night she seemed different. I haven't seen her in a long while but she had this light and smile I hadn't seen on her. It was beautiful! I am praising our Father for this joy I saw in her last night because I believe He is transforming her and it was evident! What an awesome forgiving, loving, compassionate Father we have! 

Forgive me for my rant, but I pray for humility and I surrender myself to Him... To take my thoughts and feelings captive and to have the compassion for everyone He puts in my path. Because I can not walk this road without Him!

Sunday, July 6, 2014

That I Might Sing Praises to You and Not Be Silent

As I prepare for this trip to India and seeking the Lord's direction on what He wants of me... He has been bringing me to memories of girls and women I have met in past trips to India and He is returning my memory to my past. I have been asking him how I would even have the ability to speak to women who have faced more than I will face in my entire life. As I have been asking this the enemy has been feeding off of these thoughts and telling me I have no right... That I cannot relate to them at all! But the Lord disagrees. He has been bringing these memories back to life to begin to break my heart for what He will reveal and begin to show me the similarities between a woman from a developed world to women from a developing world that have faced violence. I have faced violence but on a whole different level... But we have so much in common... Not just pain, but happiness, fun, laughter, dreams, memories (good and bad), love, and we have all experienced life. But most of all I want to share with them that yes pain comes, knocks us down and sometimes feels impossible to get back up... But that there is Someone who is there through it all, Someone wanting to hold you through the pain, and to breathe life back into you. I want them to know no matter what horrible decision they have had to make that there is One ALWAYS willing to forgive and that all they have to do is let Him in. I have experienced this first hand... I have experienced pain that I would never wish on my worst enemy or EVER want my children to experience. But He has shown me grace and compassion. He has spoken life into me, he has healed me of pain that was a deep festering wound to now it is a wound healed with a scar. A scar that is not full of shame or disgrace, but a scar of healing that only my Almighty healing God could do. Before I had accepted Jesus into my heart I would try many ways to fix myself, but in the end it would hurt worse and I would end up hurting the ones closest to me that loved me most on this earth. But He has shown me He is the only way to healing. 

Through this healing I have received freedom from the pain and hurt that entangled me and held me down. I was suppressed to the point I couldn't get out from under it and I couldn't help but get more and more suffocated by this bondage I held on to so tightly. Until I realized who Jesus was, what He did for me, and what He wanted to rid me off... I put my trust in Him... There was no where else I could go but to Him... My way was not working! From the moment I believed I felt Him there and the more I grew in knowledge of Him the more I learned of His promises He had made many many years ago for anyone who would believe. Even though I had been knocked down by my own way He has never knocked me down... And when I do fall He is always there to pick me up. 

"I will say to the prisoners, ‘Come out in freedom,’ and to those in darkness, ‘Come into the light.’ They will be my sheep, grazing in green pastures and on hills that were previously bare." Isaiah 49:9

I want to be a witness of who Jesus is and what He alone has done for me. I may not know many verses by memory and I may not always say the right thing, but I have a story of redemption and healing. I praise Him because He took a mess and made this mess into a blooming flower, who loves Him more than words could ever express. 

"Praise the Lord! For He has heard my cry for mercy. The Lord is my strength and shield. I trust Him with all me heart. He helps me, and my heart is filled with joy. I burst out in songs of thanksgiving." Psalm 28:6-7

Wednesday, June 4, 2014

Aunt Marilyn's Love

Have you ever met someone who could love unconditionally without it even looking like they put any effort into that kind of love? I did. I had the privilege of being loved by someone like that and watching someone give that kind of love away... My Aunt Marilyn.

Aunt Marilyn passed away today and it is very sad because I will miss her special love. She was actually my Great Aunt... My mother's, father's, brother's wife... Confusing I know! And it gets even more confusing. My Grandmother divorced her husband, who was the brother to Aunt Marilyn's husband... Anyways none of this matters except the fact that ever since my grandmother and grandfather got divorced Aunt Marilyn NEVER stopped loving us, being family to us, visiting us, and treating us like we ALWAYS belonged. 

I have very few memories of when I was little going to Georgia for family reunions but the memories I do have are FUN, music filled and singing always around. But as I got older we stopped going to the family reunions (or maybe they didn't have them anymore), but Aunt Marilyn ALWAYS made an effort. 

When Bob and I were engaged and we began making the wedding list my mom told me of some people I had to invite and Aunt Marilyn and Uncle Billy were two of those people... And they CAME all the way from Georgia! I may not have remembered much about them, but Aunt Marilyn remembered everything about me! She came to my reception ready to share stories and pictures with Bob and I! I thought she was CRAZY, but as I have gotten older and now a believer in Christ, I GET IT! She loved in a way that was unfathomable!

Later as I had children I would see more of Aunt Marilyn and Uncle Billy. They would travel to San Antonio to visit Uncle Billy's brothers and then they would stop by our house to visit for a short while, and they were always welcome. I began to learn more about them and who they truly were... They BOTH love unconditionally... They love the way they are loved by their Heavenly Father and that is not seen very often in this day and age.

The last time I was with Aunt Marilyn and Uncle Billy was at a funeral for Uncle Billy's brother Clyde. What a sweet time that was! I had both girls and their son Dennis was there along with them. I fell in love even more with how Aunt Marilyn and Uncle Billy loved and how they loved their family. 

I can't even put into words how well she loved... I am so blessed and honored to have been loved well by her and Uncle Billy. I will forever miss her, but rejoice that she is where she has longed to be, with her Savior. I know she is now hearing hymns more beautiful than she has ever heard and walking in the light of our Lord. I cannot wait to see her again. 

Thursday, May 22, 2014

Unexpected Blessings

God is ever so faithful and never failing... so easily as a human I forget how amazing awesome He is... I always know in my head how great He is but, when He is in my sight and showing me His magnificent greatness I get completely overwhelmed by His glory and in awe of how deeply He cares for us. Sometimes it is ever so quiet on His end and as a human that lives in noise that is hard... it makes it hard in the quietness to think He is listening to me or knowing what I am going through, but He always knows.

My Father is divine... He always works in ways that are mysterious to me, but always in a clever and awesome way! Yesterday I specifically prayed for clarity and directness... I told God I could not depend on my own feelings because when I go strictly on my feelings I usually get myself in a pickle. I asked Him to send me a sign, a person, or His specific words on how and what I needed to do to raise this money for this New Delhi mission trip. I told Him I was His and whatever His will I would do... maybe it was a no, maybe a yes... but no matter what I was His vessel. I had an idea in my head on what I was suppose to do to raise this money, but I told Him I was going to do nothing unless He told me directly what to do. I was completely waiting and leaning on Him. After I prayed a asked some friends to pray with me and I believe some did because I had this unexplainable peace! Yesterday afternoon I had a friend come to me and say her husband and her wanted to help with my trip funds... they went above and beyond and sent the entire amount I was needing. I was (and still am) in complete shock and awe... I was on my knees in an uncontrollable sobbing praise for about 15 minutes! I am still so very overwhelmed.

Don't get me wrong... this is not how all my answered prayers happen, but this is something He has put inside me and it has grown more and more... this is His desire he planted in me that is now my DEEP desire to do and glorify Him. Funny how that works!

The body of the Church completely blows me away! Again... I am feeling completely in awe, humble, honored, shocked, loved, overwhelmed, understood, and covered in prayer.

Praise be to God!


Monday, May 19, 2014

Heart of the Mission

From the very beginning of my walk as a true follower of Jesus Christ has been this longing and love for the nations. I can't get enough of other cultures! The Lord has specifically narrowed and zoned my heart to a very particular region of this world. I don't know what it is and words could never describe this deep desire to love and throw myself into the most unique situations. I could have never told you in a million years that I would be traveling half way across the world to do missionary work in India... of all places India! But, as I have traveled to India two times and Bangladesh once there are no other people groups more beautiful. I look at the Asian Indian people group and I see nothing more than beauty... Beauty that is so easily degraded in their society. I see life... Just like life that you and I have! But most of these lives are not worth anything unless they are born in a high cast or of wealth. It is heart wrenching to say the least but, there is a bigger picture to why I go.

I don't go on these mission trips for myself (even through it is always an eye opener), I don't go because I am going to change the world... I go because He has called me. He has put this calling on my heart many years ago and now that I am a Christian He has zoned that calling towards a purpose. A purpose to love and show them how much their life is worth... that no matter what anyone has ever called them, treated them, or terrible things they or someone else has done that there is a forgiving God who shows grace and mercy that no human on earth could ever come close to revealing. A purpose to be an empty vessel filled with the Holy Spirit to love these girls/women in a way never thought possible and to share my story of redemption that there is beauty from ashes.

But one of the things that is hard to grasp about being called to a mission a is money. I ask God "How can you travel across the world with no money?" Most of the time He is dead quiet and it makes me think well maybe I am not suppose to go... but I am one of little faith. He is bigger than my travel and lodging money problems... I know He is in control but, OH MY... it is soooo HARD to sit and WAIT!

For over a year now, I have been called to go to New Delhi, India... I have been reassured of this but, funding is a huge problem right now. I am fundraising, but it is oh so hard sometimes! I know He has a bigger plan and He knows how this is all going to fall into place... but truthfully it is hard to sit and wait! If you think of me please pray... Pray for His will, pray for His glory, Pray that I will be patient. Thank you

Thursday, May 15, 2014

It's the little things...

I haven't blogged in a while and I have really wanted to but, never had clear focus on one certain thing to say. Today something happened... everyday I ask the Lord to use me in any situation that He needs me in... It may simply be a smile to a complete stranger, maybe a quick How are you and eye contact, or maybe to simply talk to someone and show them you care. I am learning that just to listen to someone has been lost and in dire need to return. From my own experience I have had experiences with people who have seemed to have completely no interest in what I was saying in regards to a conversation we were having, or after I reply to a certain question or try to speak to a person they completely ignore me. These are just a few situations I have been in myself that have made me feel unimportant, boring, and uninteresting. Which is very wrong and rude! I really try to show that I care and listen to everyone I talk with, because I know how it feels to not be listened to.

I don't know how it is at your kid's schools this time of year but, I have been on 3 field trips in the last month and life is CRAZY and BUSY! Both of my girls have had a field trips to see a play in a theater, then they went to a park near by the school to have lunch and to play. The parent chaperones usually meet the kids at the park to eat lunch with them and watch them play while the grown ups mingle.

The first field trip was with Hailee's class and I have a great relationship with her teacher. The teacher calls me her prayer warrior... so we were talking about things going on with her and I was sharing a few things but, at this time we were talking there was this sweet lady standing beside me... she was listening and taking it all in. Later Hailee's teacher and I were talking and she said she thinks the Lord had bigger plans for that conversation we had at the playground underneath the big Oak trees. She told me she doesn't believe that the sweet lady that was standing next to me knows of the personal relationship between our God and herself. There was a sweet reason for that conversation that she listened to... and I am hoping He uses it for His glory.

Today there was another one of these God moments under the same big Oak trees in the very same spot. It was this man and his wife just spilling out what they are going through... He shared with me he has prostate cancer and that tomorrow he was having surgery. Truthfully it caught me off guard, but I had this moment to listen and show I cared and now I have the privilege to pray for him. I don't believe in coincidences... just God.

He is BIG AWESOME and MOVING! I feel like ever since I stepped back from serving the Bhutanese that my service to my Savior is not enough... that it at times is stagnant and not sufficient. I know it is not about me and my works... and ALWAYS for Him.

I believe bringing glory to Him is in the little things too. Loving on people through listening to them, eye contact, and being engaged in what they are saying. I am not always perfect, but I do know I want people to see Jesus through me.

Monday, April 21, 2014

He is my Resurrection

My heart is aching and my soul is groaning...

I have so many other things I should be doing right now, but my Spirit says to sit down and write.

This Sunday was beautiful and I hope you had a beautiful remembrance and celebration of what Christ has done for you. My heart was in mourning over the thought of so many who rejoiced over Jesus as he came in to Jerusalem on Palm Sunday, but then turning their backs on him before Passover... I mean talk about hot and cold, but isn't that us every day?

I mean one day we will be rejoicing His name and the next we will speak blasphemy and shame on Him. I will be the first to tell you I am not perfect, but I do strive to bring glory and honor to my Father above... do I always succeed, no but I really try.

I can be a little zealous... and what gets me fired up is if you say you are a believer in Christ and then you go and add things to Him. He is perfect and needs nothing added! I get very zealous, because I know what my Savior has done for me and I know the amazing power he has over my life... I am a slave to Christ and no longer a slave to my sin. It is amazing to me and I want everyone to have this amazingness inside of them!

Sometimes when I get riled up over people's words and comments my answer doesn't come out how it should... Lord forgive me, thankfully I know He knows my heart and my desire to serve Him.

My heart is aching and my soul is groaning for the people, who believe they need to add things to God. When I read the Bible it is very black and white (with some red) and I believe all of what it says with no ifs, ands, or buts... I also know He does amazing things through us. But sometimes we think He is doing amazing things through us,  but really it is ourselves and our pride takes over. I believe He can speak through us, give us prophecy, give us the gift of healing, have us speak in tongues, etc., but not one of us will have all these amazing gifts because we work as a body. Scripture says...

"Now, dear brothers and sisters, regarding your question about the special abilities the Spirit gives us. I don’t want you to misunderstand this. You know that when you were still pagans, you were led astray and swept along in worshiping speechless idols. So I want you to know that no one speaking by the Spirit of God will curse Jesus, and no one can say Jesus is Lord, except by the Holy Spirit.
There are different kinds of spiritual gifts, but the same Spirit is the source of them all. There are different kinds of service, but we serve the same Lord. God works in different ways, but it is the same God who does the work in all of us.
 A spiritual gift is given to each of us so we can help each other. To one person the Spirit gives the ability to give wise advice; to another the same Spirit gives a message of special knowledge. The same Spirit gives great faith to another, and to someone else the one Spirit gives the gift of healing. He gives one person the power to perform miracles, and another the ability to prophesy. He gives someone else the ability to discern whether a message is from the Spirit of God or from another spirit. Still another person is given the ability to speak in unknown languages, while another is given the ability to interpret what is being said. It is the one and only Spirit who distributes all these gifts. He alone decides which gift each person should have...
 Are we all apostles? Are we all prophets? Are we all teachers? Do we all have the power to do miracles? Do we all have the gift of healing? Do we all have the ability to speak in unknown languages? Do we all have the ability to interpret unknown languages? Of course not! So you should earnestly desire the most helpful gifts." 1 Corinthians 12

I also believe if you are performing any "gifts" that are not done in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ... I believe they are being performed through dark angels. I will get very zealous and protective of my faith when I see and my Spirit reveals to me of the wrong that is being performed. It hurts my heart to know words when the name of God is thrown around like a piece of garbage.

I am sorry if you get offend by this post it was not my intention, but the Truth so close to our grasp.


Wednesday, April 2, 2014

Complaing vs. Groaning

I am a complainer. We all are. Right? But, the people close to me hear most of all my complaints. (poor Bob) Sometimes my complaints are held in for a while until it is busting at the seams and it comes out hotter than ever... not always the greatest way.

But are all our complaints really complaining or are they groaning... when I say groaning I mean hurt and sadness from the evil that is wrong and needs justice. I think we hear complaining so much that we put it under the complaining umbrella when really the complaining is the way we are groaning for justice. Maybe we need to work on our groaning... but none the less we are sick of the evil "winning". (the bad guy never wins)

This week my Bible study has been focusing on sadness/aching. I totally get that. I mean how many times have I blogged about the aching in my heart? I have an aching for people I love who are lost and don't realize they need a Savior, I ache for the slaves of this world who feel like there is no way out, my heart aches for the abuse that goes on behind closed doors, I ache for kids who are exposed to things that darken their hearts and blind their eyes, I ache for women who are forced to sell their bodies for sex, my heart anguishes for human beings who believe they are worth less than trash, and my heart aches for the orphans who are left to feel no love, no touch, no embrace, and no laughter. My list truly could go on... and most of the time I have no words to express to God the agony I feel, but this week I have been comforted.

"Yet what we suffer now is nothing compared to the glory he will reveal to us later. For all creation is waiting eagerly for that future day when God will reveal who his children really are. Against its will, all creation was subjected to God’s curse. But with eager hope, the creation looks forward to the day when it will join God’s children in glorious freedom from death and decay. For we know that all creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. And we believers also groan, even though we have the Holy Spirit within us as a foretaste of future glory, for we long for our bodies to be released from sin and suffering. We, too, wait with eager hope for the day when God will give us our full rights as his adopted children, including the new bodies he has promised us. We were given this hope when we were saved. (If we already have something, we don’t need to hope for it. But if we look forward to something we don’t yet have, we must wait patiently and confidently.)

And the Holy Spirit helps us in our weakness. For example, we don’t know what God wants us to pray for. But the Holy Spirit prays for us with groanings that cannot be expressed in words. And the Father who knows all hearts knows what the Spirit is saying, for the Spirit pleads for us believers in harmony with God’s own will. And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them. For God knew his people in advance, and he chose them to become like his Son, so that his Son would be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters. And having chosen them, he called them to come to him. And having called them, he gave them right standing with himself. And having given them right standing, he gave them his glory." Romans 8:18-30

My heart yearns for justice and peace and for my eternal home... but my groaning is not being ignored. The author and protector of life hears me! My Spirit I was given when I first believed in Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior is pleading for me! Yes I am sinful and a complainer, but I am an heir of God's righteousness... I am in harmony with God's will and nothing is out of His marvelous hand. I have faith this aching in my heart is for my own good... because God works everything for my good. This pain is transforming me and not emptying me. It is softening my heart that can become hardened by the ways of this world. My Spirit is pleading when there are no words... and pleading for those with no hope.

Tuesday, March 25, 2014


Lately I have been throwing myself into my quiet dark closet to pray. Away from my phone, noise, and light... while I am face down on the carpet. It is just me and God (and sometimes my annoying cat). When the cat does come into pray with me I thank the Lord for pets. LOL! I will be honest my thoughts get lost in the dark... I get caught up in His majesty and then all of the sudden... I am gone... Into a deep sleep. Yikes!

But, I will say it is a peaceful time. I don't feel disappointed or upset when I do fall asleep, because I know I am with the Lord and he does hear me... even if I drift off.

Today I was given an anointing oil from a friend, who owns Every Good Gift. He gave me the opportunity to share part of my testimony on his blog, so in return he asked me if I would be interested in one of their anointing oils and I said yes! I asked for the oil scented as pomegranate... so before I pray in my closet I will ask the Lord for blessing and favor and I will put it on. I love smelling this sweet fragrance even after I pray because it reminds me of the sweet quiet time the Lord and I had together. 

I find it very refreshing to be with the Lord in quiet darkness, because I never know what time it is... I don't have to be anywhere at a certain time... and nothing interrupts (except the cat)... but such a precious time. If you haven't thrown yourself into your closet lately... I totally suggest it. :)

Sunday, March 23, 2014

Dark Haze

I have been in a dark haze for about 2 or 3 weeks... not knowing what to do, worrying, feeling lost.

Tuesday this darkness was lifted. I was really feeling stuck with this haze surrounding me... I couldn't get out from under it. I asked for prayer and the next day it was much more clear. Satan was clouding my thoughts and giving me a lot of confusion, but in the name of Jesus it was gone.

Now that my thoughts are more clear... I look back thinking how did I even get into that rut? I could not tell you, but I sure am glad I am out of it.

No one could understand what I was going through because I couldn't explain it in words... so it sounded like a bunch of mumbo jumbo. Sorry if some of my blog posts were coming off confusing. :)

I guess it is hard for me right now, because I am thinking about the future. Thinking about what God has for me after this home Bible study I have going on. I am thinking about this mission trip to New Delhi, India I am fundraising for support. I am thinking about my Advocare business and how to go about it in the way the good Lord wants me to pursue it and grow it. So much is running through my head and I want it all to be what and how He wants it... I don't want to do anything on my own without His okay. Does this make sense?

The verse the Lord has been giving me since January is...“So don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today’s trouble is enough for today." Matthew 6:34  

I am working on worrying one day at a time and trusting in His unfailing love. His concern and deep desire for me. I know the things I desire He does care about... but that doesn't mean it will always go my way and I am okay with that. I am working on seeking Him first before I act or before I say yes. Even good things may be bad... it all depends on what He wants from me and what He has planned. I can fight Him all day long and do it MY way... but in the end He will get his results and His glory. I am choosing to seek Him first before anything else.

Spring is Alive

Heidi being rained on by petals.
Crab Apple Tree
Bees were swarming the tree...

It was beautiful to watch the bees do what they do best.

Here is a picture of the whole tree.