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Monday, May 16, 2011

Saddened by Myself

Is that even possible to be saddened by yourself? Well I am. My heart hurts because of myself.

My last post was on forgiveness and how I am learning to say sorry sincerely. Not that I didn't know how to say sorry sincerely before, but it feels different these days. God is doing good works inside me and I like it.

But, now I have hurt someone even closer to me (my dad). I am not going to get into the details or anything, because the details are not the point of the matter. But, it hurts down deep. I called him and we were having small talk and then I asked him if he was upset with me and I brought up a few reasons why I felt like he was upset with me. He told me that it wasn't so much upset, but that I put him a few awkward positions a few times because of something I did (that he didn't really approve of from the beginning). I apologized and told him that it was my intention to hurt him, but I thought it would have been okay (and I gave him one reason why I did what I did). He said he knew it wasn't intentional and that is why he never brought it up. But, for some reason my heart hurts and my stomach is turning upside down.

I feel sick. But, this feeling doesn't make sense because I felt like what I did ("that upset him") was from the Lord. I felt like I was doing what I felt like the Lord was leading me to do. I felt like what I did was promise I felt like the Lord promised me and it was! But, somehow it has hurt a few people. I guess I feel sick because I was asked to do something and I did it, but some how it has hurt others. How am I supposed to handle this feeling?

I just don't know. All I do know is that I was obedient in apologizing and was forgiven. Thank you Lord for teaching me forgiveness and for your Son who was sent to die for all of our sins and for loving me with Your undying love and covering me with forgiveness.

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